Tears and Confession...

I want to cry.

As I woke up to the radio this morning, I heard a news report that Ted Haggard, Sr. Pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO and now-former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, was being accused of having a three-year homosexual affair. When I got to my office (after speaking at Isaac Newton Christian Academy's chapel), I headed to the Internet (before it was down for 5 hours today!) to learn more.

One of the first things I saw was an interview with Haggard. He denied knowing the guy, denied ever doing drugs, and claimed he was faithful to his wife. As I watched his eyes and body language, I truly believed he was telling the truth.

But now, just moments ago, I learned that he has admitted that "some of the accusations against him are true".

I am not going to make judgements about Ted or the accuser, Mike Jones, at this time. I've already seen too much of that in the few news articles I've seen so far. But if ANY of it is true, it makes me extremely sad. Sad that Ted would do what he knew was wrong. Sad that Ted lied to the media initially. Sad that Mike Jones chose to reveal this hoping to influence some ballots in Colorado.

But also sad because I know this could be me.

No, I've never had a homosexual affair. Heck, I've never even had a homosexual desire. And I've never had a heterosexual affair either.

But I have thought about a sexual tryst. I've looked too long at a woman on the street and wondered certain things. I know I've had all sorts of sinful thoughts and have been tempted in many ways many times. And if I'm not careful, I, too, could end up temporarily removed from my job while an investigation takes place.

This all comes on top of a book I just started yesterday. The book, Confessions of a Pastor, is gut-wrenchingly honest. I sat in my office earlier this morning with my Executive Pastor, Kim Pagel, looking through the chapter titles and realizing "Yep, I've thought that. Yep, I've struggled with that. Yep, that's me!"

As I read the first couple chapters during my reading time yesterday, I realized I HAVE to let certain people in (first and foremost my wife!) simply so I don't end up in a Ted Haggard situation. I love the Lord, my wife, my kids, my church, and my staff family too much to throw it all away for some momentary "fun" or "release". My pride wants so much to keep people out and maintain a certain persona, but God keeps telling me not to - I will eventually be found out if I try to hide the real me from those who matter most in my life. And besides, I'm not fooling Him a bit!

And so I want to cry. I want to cry tears of pain because of my own sin. I want to shed tears of sadness for Ted and Mike and New Life Church. And I want to release tears of joy that God is gently calling me to the painful-yet-freeing process of confession once again.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16a (NIV)