Co-ed Dorm Rooms?

I guess I shouldn't be surprised at this article on co-ed dorm rooms now available on many college campuses. I've seen signs of this in our culture for sometime now, so this just seems to be the natural progression. Eventually we'll probably end up with co-ed locker rooms as well.

While the article has only positive to say about the experiences of those who have already experienced a co-ed living situation, I can't help but wonder what the long-term ramifications of this might be. To me, it just seems like practice for a future divorce (even though these couples living together aren't married). Here's what I mean:

You learn how to live with a member of the opposite sex, but not be "one flesh" with them, living as a united team. So when your marriage hits some tough times, or you just go through a bit of apathy in your marriage, you revert back to what you learned in your college days, shift into a "roommate" mentality, and stop working on the relationship. Eventually, you want to feel "in love" again, and so you look for it elsewhere since your relationship with your spouse is now merely platonic. For most people, when they reach this stage, divorce just seems like the natural thing to do since "we've grown apart."

Additionally, co-ed dorm rooms seem to devalue the "specialness" of a guy and girl getting to know and explore each other intimately (physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, etc.) in the confines of a new marriage. It seems like we are content with our mud pies in the slums when God offers us a holiday at the ocean (to recall the C.S. Lewis quote).

But I'm probably "too old-fashioned" and "Christian" to see that this is just fine for some people. Looks like I'll need to ask for forgiveness from the popular culture for connecting the dots and seeing where this "innocent" situation could lead us.

Gateway Drugs to Sexual Addiction

I recently met a drug dealer. He's been dealing since he was 17 - he's now 32. He bragged about driving a kilo of coke from Chicago on his lap and how much he made off selling that kilo in halves and ounces.

And like most dealers, he couldn't help but experience his products. His preference? Shooting a cocktail of cocaine and alcohol directly into his veins. He OD'd on that and ended up in the hospital, which is where I met him.

But he didn't start with coke and alcohol mixtures. A little marijuana, some ecstasy, lots of drinking... and he eventually ends up where he is now in life. Some people would call these "gateway drugs".

A couple weeks ago I saw a fantastic blog post by Shellie Warren on the xxxchurch site about "gateway drugs" into sexual addiction. While I have never counseled someone with what I would call an outright sexual addiction, I have counseled MANY people struggling with many of the areas Shellie talks about in her post. I think Shellie makes some great points. She herself is a recovering sexual addict, and so she speaks from experience. It is well worth your time to read or even skim her article.

If you find co-workers, or TV programs, or magazine articles telling you it's okay to watch this, or look at that, or consume these visual items, or fantasize in a certain way, know that you are being tempted with gateway drugs. And if you are wise and don't want to end up OD'd (out by divorce) someday, then you'll steer clear and "keep the marriage bed pure", even if you are currently single.

And if you ARE already struggling with some of these "drugs", please come talk with me. In the words of the great theologian Red Green - "Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together..."

Scrub Away Porn

I've posted in the past about the free accountability software from xxxchurch.com called X3Watch designed to help guys (or gals) who strugglewith viewing pornography on their computers.

Thanks to the Swerve blog, I just learned about another free method called Scrub It. Because I can't use X3Watch on my home computer, I think I might try Scrub It on there.

Teens and Twenty-somethings want marriage more than sex

I don't have much time to post my thoughts and reactions to this (gotta go pick up Josh Bales from the airport for tonight's Watershed Worship Gathering), but thought some of you might be interested in this news item. Apparently a new survey has been conducted of 14-29 year olds that indicates that those in this age bracket seem to want a good marriage more than sex.

You can read the news release for yourself. I would like to see the full results of the survey (especially with the ages broken apart - 14 to 29 is just too wide of a spread in my opinion), but couldn't find it quickly on youthography's website.

I guess everybody really is doing it...

I saw this news article from ABC News saying that 9 out of 10 people have sex before marriage. The thinktank that conducted the surveys concluded that abstinence education is a waste of money since everyone seems to be giving their bodies before giving a ring, even those from more "chaste" generations.

First, I think it should be openly noted that the group that conducted the research went into the survey with a bias. While they would not say this, they pretty much view people as animals who can't help themselves in the sexual arena, and so we must educate these animals in how to have "safe sex" that won't spread AIDS and other STDs since they have such high sexual appetites (er, excuse me... "needs"...). They would identify me as a "religious moralizer" who they perceive as making matters worse by telling people to wait until marriage for sexual activity and then to remain faithful to your spouse.

In their defense, they do seem to have the statistics to back up their claims. On one page on their site, they refer to other studies showing that 80% of HIV-infected women in south India were monogamous and 25% of HIV-infected women in Rwanda have only had one sex partner their whole life - their husband.

But their conclusion is that "Promoting abstinence or faithfulness as the only ways to prevent HIV transmission will leave millions of people without the ability to protect themselves from infection."

How can someone get HIV if they are abstaining from sex? How can a married couple get AIDS if both stay faithful? But it is assumed that everyone is going to have sex anyway (such we are just animals), so we need condoms in and out of marriage and medicine for those infected who will keep being sexually active.

This makes me so sad. This is living life at the minimum. We are missing out by taking these short cuts to intimacy. God has a MUCH better plan for our lives.

Sex is beautiful. It was created by God, not only for reproduction, but for enjoyment, bonding, emotional health, and so much more. The Scriptures are FULL of this message. But when we give our bodies to someone that we haven't committed to by exchanging vows before God and witnesses, we aren't able to FULLY enjoy, to FULLY bond, to FULLY be healthy. Which leaves us below the maximum and truly missing out on God's blessing.

I have seen this play out over and over and over with countless numbers of young adults. And not just with young adults who grew up in church hearing this message. I've seen the pain that premarital sex has had on the hearts of even non-Christians who have bought into the cultural mantra of "sex is okay between consenting adults". They engaged in premarital sex because the temptation was so strong, they longed to feel loved, and hey - everybody's doing it anyway...

As seen in the article, some may discount the 95% statistic in the survey referenced above because of the bias of the survey's conductors, but I'll give Guttmacher their statistic because it is irrelevant to me. Even if 100% of all teens and adults had sex before marriage doesn't mean that 100% are enjoying the best for their lives. It could be possible that those people are living at the minimum and not enjoying the maximum that God calls them to and wants to give them.

Yes, the draw to sex is extremely powerful for most people. But I WANT to want sex with my wife. I want to want her and I want her to want me. So thank God for the sexual desire in mankind! It is a beautiful thing. It's just too beautiful to give to someone who isn't your spouse. As someone who belongs in the 5% who never engaged in sex before marriage, I don't regret one minute of my decision to wait. It was hard - but it was worth it.

P.S. If you have already engaged in premarital sex and realize that you aren't living life at God's wonderful maximum, take heart. The cross of Christ can renew you and let you enjoy the blessing of His maximum!

Not again...

When LeAnn and I lived in Colorado, I served as the worship director for a new church plant called Pinecrest Community Church. The mother of our volunteer youth leader/bass player was one of the secretaries at Grace Chapel. Through this, we developed good relationship with Grace Chapel. They donated some items to help us one time. One of their associate pastors guest spoke at our church one Sunday while our senior pastor was out of town. I had a lot of respect for Grace during our 3 years in the Denver area.

Just moment ago, I learned that Paul Barnes, their senior pastor (who was also the founding pastor), has resigned because he has admitted to a struggle with homosexuality his entire life. And this comes just a month after he spoke about integrity in the wake of the Ted Haggard scandal. Apparently someone called the church because they overheard a conversation of someone who was going to "out" Paul. So rather than Paul seeking help on his own, an anonymous phone call brought the truth to light.

If you are struggling with an habitual sin, I urge you to please find someone to confess your sin to. Get help. Don't let your sin find you out - you overtake the sin by confessing it to God and to another human who will love you and pray for you and support you through your healing.

And I also encourage you to live your life in such a way that others will be comfortable opening up to you. If you wear a mask yourself or slander others behind their back, no one is going to want to confess to you. It broke my heart to read the words of one of the elders of Grace Chapel - "Where did I fall short in making myself so unapproachable that he couldn't come to me?" So even if you aren't living with a secret sin, still seek to be a person of godly character.

"But godliness with contentment is great gain." 1 Timothy 6:6

A "haggard" response...

Gordon MacDonald, who is not unfamiliar with public moral failings, chimes in with a great response on the Ted Haggard confession over at the Out of Ur blog.

I feared the worst...

Looks like the allegations against Pastor Ted Haggard for the most part are true. I had hoped so much that he was innocent, but as soon as I heard Ted had denied everything and then recanted on part of it, I feared the worst.

But rather than launch a bunch of verbal missiles, I am choosing to pray for Ted, his family, his church, and Mike Jones, the one who brought this out into the open. I can't imagine the pain these people must feel in the wake of all this. I'd invite you to join me in prayer before we cast judgmental stones.

I am also praying that I and the leaders at New Covenant would be above reproach in all we do, be honest about who we are, and seek help when we are struggling. While New Covenant is the healthiest church I have ever been a part of, one scandal like this could rip to shreds what we have humbly worked so hard at achieving.

And I am also thanking God for his grace these days!

Tears and Confession...

I want to cry.

As I woke up to the radio this morning, I heard a news report that Ted Haggard, Sr. Pastor of New Life Church in Colorado Springs, CO and now-former president of the National Association of Evangelicals, was being accused of having a three-year homosexual affair. When I got to my office (after speaking at Isaac Newton Christian Academy's chapel), I headed to the Internet (before it was down for 5 hours today!) to learn more.

One of the first things I saw was an interview with Haggard. He denied knowing the guy, denied ever doing drugs, and claimed he was faithful to his wife. As I watched his eyes and body language, I truly believed he was telling the truth.

But now, just moments ago, I learned that he has admitted that "some of the accusations against him are true".

I am not going to make judgements about Ted or the accuser, Mike Jones, at this time. I've already seen too much of that in the few news articles I've seen so far. But if ANY of it is true, it makes me extremely sad. Sad that Ted would do what he knew was wrong. Sad that Ted lied to the media initially. Sad that Mike Jones chose to reveal this hoping to influence some ballots in Colorado.

But also sad because I know this could be me.

No, I've never had a homosexual affair. Heck, I've never even had a homosexual desire. And I've never had a heterosexual affair either.

But I have thought about a sexual tryst. I've looked too long at a woman on the street and wondered certain things. I know I've had all sorts of sinful thoughts and have been tempted in many ways many times. And if I'm not careful, I, too, could end up temporarily removed from my job while an investigation takes place.

This all comes on top of a book I just started yesterday. The book, Confessions of a Pastor, is gut-wrenchingly honest. I sat in my office earlier this morning with my Executive Pastor, Kim Pagel, looking through the chapter titles and realizing "Yep, I've thought that. Yep, I've struggled with that. Yep, that's me!"

As I read the first couple chapters during my reading time yesterday, I realized I HAVE to let certain people in (first and foremost my wife!) simply so I don't end up in a Ted Haggard situation. I love the Lord, my wife, my kids, my church, and my staff family too much to throw it all away for some momentary "fun" or "release". My pride wants so much to keep people out and maintain a certain persona, but God keeps telling me not to - I will eventually be found out if I try to hide the real me from those who matter most in my life. And besides, I'm not fooling Him a bit!

And so I want to cry. I want to cry tears of pain because of my own sin. I want to shed tears of sadness for Ted and Mike and New Life Church. And I want to release tears of joy that God is gently calling me to the painful-yet-freeing process of confession once again.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.
James 5:16a (NIV)

Just need to vent...

RRRRRRR!

I need to vent for a second. I just heard from a female friend who confided that she was recently sexually assaulted by an acquaintance. My heart broke as I read her words and I am really angry with the anonymous person who did such a thing. NO one deserves to be treated that way as a creation of God. But because I know my friend, it seems even worse.

She is such a quality person. How could a guy even THINK of doing this to her, let alone act upon those thoughts?

Thankfully my friend has a good support system. And because she is such a quality person, I know she will heal and emerge stronger through this - possibly even go on to bless other women who go through a similar tragedy. But I still wish it hadn't happened to her.

If you are a guy and are reading this - don't you EVER touch a girl in a sexual way who is not your wife! I don't care how sexually frustrated you are or how attractive she is. If you cheat God's beautiful design for sex and relationships, then you will be even more sexually frustrated, she won't be as attractive after the incident, and you might end up with a criminal record. And if you are feeding your mind with materials that tell you that "all women want it", then take the trash out. Women want a man who will lead them by sacrificing for them (check out Eph 5:22-33!). Taking advantage of their body for your own pleasure is not sacrifice.

And women, if you've been sexually assaulted and have never told anyone, please do! Your healing will only happen as you open up to the right people (preferably another woman) who can help you work through what you experienced. God wants you to sexually enjoy your husband and give yourself to him, so don't let one jerk's selfishness rob you of the joy of being united physically and emotionally with a loving, sacrificing husband.

Man... this had been such a good day up until this point. I get to officiate a wedding this weekend - and unfortunately I think I know what will be on my mind as I pronounce Zac & Erin husband and wife. Hopefully one day my female friend will get that opportunity and this incident won't ruin that day for her...

On a positive note, my sister-in-law gave birth to Rylan Asher Bird today. Welcome to the family, Rylan! And congrats Derek & Becka! Hopefully Rylan's cousin will be here soon (but preferably AFTER Zac and Erin's wedding!).

Mac Accountability Software

I'm a devoted Mac user, so I was very glad to get an email today announcing that someone has finally brought accountability software to my favorite platform.

X3Watch is completely free, so you have nothing to lose. It is in beta mode right now, so keep that in mind.

Essays on Sex

Everystudent.com has some articles on sex, pornography, relationships, and other topics on their website. While the target audience is college students, I think any young adult could benefit from these short essays. The essays aren't a complete help in making godly changes in the sexual areas of our lives, but they could help transform our thinking, which begins the change process.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind." (Romans 12:2a)

Breaking the Addiction

In my talk tomorrow night at Watershed's Worship Gathering, I will be addressing the issue of pornography, and will be briefly mentioning some ways to get out of an addiction to pornography, especially online.

Here are links to two of the accountability software programs I'll mention:

XXXChurch's Free Accountability Software
Covenant Eyes (this one has a monthly cost, but supposedly have a Mac version coming very soon, which is why I put the link ('cause I'm a loyal Mac user myself!).

Sex with Bell...

Since I've had sex on the brain because of the "How To Have Great Sex" series at Watershed, I found this sermon of interest and thought you might too (look for the Oct. 23rd sermon entitled "Sexy on the Inside"). Rob Bell is one of my favorite teachers, so I found his talk on sex interesting. And in usual Rob Bell fashion, he takes the whole idea of sex and looks at it in a different and deeper way (pun not intended).

Sex on the brain...

I've been teaching on sex at Watershed in the brazenly titled "How To Have Great Sex" series. If you want to listen to some of the things I'm saying, feel free to download the mp3s. My voice isn't the prettiest to listen to, but my English is at least understandable (most of the time).

In tonight's message, I'll probably reference a sermon I listened to this week that I downloaded to my iPod shuffle. If you'd like to hear that message or the other sex messages taught at Crossroads Community Church in Cincy, go here for those (thanks go to the big man, Zac, for the link!).